Working on your Similarities: A Key to Lasting Success in Relationships

Have you ever wondered what makes you attracted to a certain person? What is the chemistry that draws two single people together that eventually gives way to a relationship? In a world that is full of diverse strangers, is there a hidden set of laws that govern attraction and leads two people together?

An individual may become attracted to someone for many reasons. Chances are, a man can be attracted to a woman because he finds her adorable, fun to be with or maybe some circumstances surrounding their meeting somehow causes them to be more appealing to one another. But no matter what the attraction factors are, what makes a person attracted to a specific individual and not to just anybody is a thought-provoking issue to address.

Taking part in a universe where the process of dating – finding that one true love – is a phenomenal event, we are many times pre-occupied by the belief that we are somehow destined to be with a particular someone.  But as the lingering doubt of each new relationship settles-in, the overriding question remains, how can we make sure that we are not looking in the wrong place and making the wrong investment of time and love with the wrong person?

It seems so many times there comes a point after a pursuit for love and happiness where we hear ourselves saying “He/She is not the person I thought they were”.

The Science behind Attraction.

People in general, have numerous opinions when it comes to attraction. At the point of helplessness, when we are attracted to that certain someone we find simply irresistible, we many times find ourselves at a crossroads.  The age-old law of "opposites attract" seems to play a big part in that initial spark of a relationship.  Well, such law of attraction may apply, at least in the initial phases of the relationship, but it rarely applies where lifelong, functional and happy human emotions are concerned.

The truth of the matter is, we really want to be mated with someone who is similar to us in most aspects. We want someone who likes doing the same things enjoy, has similar political and religious alignments and a general world view that is compatible with our perspective.  Behavioral science shows consistent evidence supporting that similarity attracts and very little supporting the theory that opposites do very well at all.  Initially, it may seem we prefer certain opposite personality types, but in the end, if one person is an outdoor enthusiast and the other dreads bugs and no showers, preferring  to stay home and read a good book, the couple will have little to share and experience together.  It really is the shared life experiences that bound us closer to one another and build lasting memories.  It is our belief that the most likely chance for success will occur when we seek someone whom we shared the same dreams, values, attitudes, and intelligence among other traits. Whether the relationship is a friendship or life-partnership, people are mainly attracted to someone who is similar to them in a multitude of ways.

What Attraction Does To A Relationship And What Factors Affect The Degree Of Attraction.

You have most likely heard sometime back that attraction is a starting point or an overture to a relationship. However, one must insist that attraction alone cannot cause a relationship to succeed. It is attraction that paves the way to focus ones attention on a person of the opposite sex, but once there has become an established degree of familiarity, attraction is only one factor in a relationship that includes many other elements such as wisdom, emotional maturity, adjustment, conformity and acceptance.

Though there are various thoughts regarding how attraction occurs, science and psychological studies indicates attraction has more to do with such initial, fleeting, temporary factors such as proximity, physical attractiveness, and reciprocal liking between the parties. Read on for more details.

Proximity: Nearness is one factor that affects the degree of attraction. A person would be most likely attracted to someone who is physically present and available. Likewise, it is unlikely for someone to befriend or get intimate with those who are outside of fantasies, or in short, those who do not share the same proximity with them. Singles seem to display the same pattern of attraction for those they see regularly whether in class, at work or in their neighborhood.

Physical Attractiveness: Regardless of the fact that many people claim physical appearance does not play a role in choosing a mate, one should not be surprised that physical looks seem to determine the intimacy that follows. Attractive people enjoy the benefit of being perceived as confident, comfortable with themselves, healthy and happier. Moreover, studies show that individuals of the same level of attractiveness are most likely to become friends, if not marriage partners.

Similarity: We may never fully realize it, but people tend to bond in relationships with those who share the same inclinations and line of interest with them. Men and women tend to be similar with their mates in religion, cultural background, educational attainment, behaviors and objectives.

Reciprocal Liking: The reward theory of attraction affirms that people will like someone as long as the benefit obtained from liking them is greater than the price. Individuals who explicitly show affection to a specified person but do not receive the same treatment from him/her will eventually withdraw his/her actions.

What does the foregoing tell us?

We may have the benefits of knowing all the elements that affect the degree of human attraction. However, we are more than not slaves to our own emotions, even in knowing all of these issues.  Many times we are stupid and continue in our ways, preventing us from becoming successful in our current and future relationships.

Dating and becoming attracted to someone is never a game. We put ourselves at the forefront of love and fate, all the while with hopes that at the end of the road, the one meant for us is there waiting.  So how can we know that we are on the right track?

Where your lifelong happiness is at stake, just asked yourself “do I want to spend the major portion of my life with a person who does not enjoy a bit of what I like?”

For a couple to remain in a relationship there must be an underlying force that keeps them together through the long years of a bonded relationship. Inasmuch, it is unlikely for a couple to stay united unless they share the same interests, passions, and characteristics. Logically and empirically, the more similarities you possess the more chances you have at a lasting relationship. It should never appear surprising that similarities between partners can reduce the risk of conflicts, create lasting bonds and generate overall relationship satisfaction.  

Similarity is a crucial determinant of interpersonal relations. Most studies suggest the same. It seems logically evident you would desire a partner who matches up with your own personality; someone who can validate your beliefs and personal outlook on life and not one who challenges your every notion. If you possess similar characteristics you often think, say, and perform in similar ways that make harmony rather relaxed and easy to achieve.

How To Start Working On Your Similarities. 

Most individuals would not steer the wheel of a car without first knowing which direction to begin the journey. Likewise, in finding a prospective mate, one should know where to start looking and what to expect. So, before you get out your car keys and decide to arrange a date with that special someone you know little to nothing about, think twice. Think of the known similarities between the two of you that will help give a better chance at a lasting relationship together?

A person can behave many different ways, and put on a good show, but no matter how perfect they come across in a social nightspot, they are human like anyone else. The problem with most of us is that we expect far too much from our mates. We tend to idealize and believe an individual is the answer to so many lacking issues within ourselves. We give importance to the totality without noticing the details. What I am saying is that before you’ve gone too far in investing your time and emotions with someone you think is THE ONE, you should pay close attention to the things that actually cause both of you to be attracted to one another.

If you observe closely couples you know, you’ll notice that most that remain together and are able to preserve lasting relationships, even though they have their negative character flaws and issues that may bother one another, they usually have a deep and abiding list of similarities, likes and dislikes. Even in peer groups, the proportion of similarity in attitudes between peers predicts the amount of respect initiated and many times demonstrates homogeneity.

Life is 90% Attitude

Dig deeper… A person’s attitude is just as important as physical appearances.  Does he/she posses a similar demeanor in heated moments or are they markedly dissimilar than the ways you would handle a difficult situation? Is the person you are considering dating or currently dating the kind of person who is introspective, thoughtful and precise or one who sheds responsibility and possesses a more carefree soul?  Will this person's ways of dealing with tough situations cause you to feel uncomfortable in social situations with friends and family?  A person who demonstrates a similar ways of dealing with tough social situations as yours will be more agreeable with your insights and further motivate your positive feelings toward him/her.

Are Cultural Differences in Play

It's also important, from our point of view, to take note of your prospective mate's social/cultural and religious background. If you are getting together with someone from an entirely different culture, expect many cultural differences adding to the complexity of the relationship.  While there are many successful inter-cultural relationships, it's important to know going in that there is another layer of differences that can cause additional stress in a relationship if growth and understanding is not upheld.  Naturally, many prefer a mate who possesses similarities in certain demographic distinctiveness that includes religious backgrounds, political views and socio-economic status.

Politics and Religion

Additional issues to consider: is he/she politically-inclined or simply does not care about politics? If we have different religious backgrounds, can we still have peace in the house?

You may not share the same political or religious belief as your dating partner, but you possibly share many other traits that are good enough to make a wonderful, lasting relationship. Perhaps you believe your characters, likes and dislikes generally match-up well enough to overcome those political and religious issues and that you are very excited and don't want to lose this person as you are matched in so many other ways.  One thing to keep in mind is that religious and political issues are those that run very deep in individuals and getting past these highly charged issues may be a lifelong struggle. You must ask yourself if a deep-seated ideological difference is something you can live with or not.  It is a wise person who never begins a relationship thinking they can change the other person. 

Interests and Activities

Discovering a person’s personality is similar to familiarizing yourself with a complex map. You are never going to reach your destination unless you memorize your way in and out. Knowing a person’s personality requires you to look at the person’s interests and activities. Is your potential life-mate a party-animal with lots of friends and one who loves going out, or is he happy with being a homebody? What kind of activities will he/she usually do in their spare time? Does the one you are considering love sports? Does he or she like pets? There are different levels of pet lovers; some believe dogs and cats have their place outdoors while others make them an integral part of the family structure.  How about pets in the house or sleeping on the bed with you and your partner?  What are your limits?  What are his or her loves and hates when it comes to food, places to go, movies, plays, travel and choice of music?

Relationship Feasibility Study

Just like opening a small business that requires a feasibility study, it's a good idea to think of all of the contingencies and possibilities and to know the person’s passions and interests so you will know what you are getting yourself into.  Knowing an individual's customary and usual routines might also be helpful in understanding what is important to them. Here is a good place to warn you of the possibility of getting too carried away and becoming a kind of relationship private detective. You do not want to become a stalker or you may just miss the chance of the relationship working at all or worse yet, you may be arrested. If you are clueless as to where to start looking for the information to help bring you clarity on your partner's lifestyle, take a close look at their circle of friends – the choice of friends usually can tell volumes of your potential mate's character and personality.

Lastly, a person’s social skills can be a good measure in determining where they fit in the world. Is he/she confident and good in expressing himself/herself verbally in social situations? Or is he/she a silent type that doesn’t want to gather unnecessary attention? Knowing these issues is as significant as knowing his/her likes and dislikes.

Closing Statement

In closing, don't be too hard on your potential mate.  Everyone has good and bad points.  You just have to decide whether you can live with the differences, specific character flaws or issues that bother you the most or whether these are deal breakers for you.  People can and do change but once again, never go into a relationship where you expect the individual to change in order for you to be happy. Since it seems that the likely success of a relationship has more to do with compatibility factors, viewpoints and emotional maturity, always look beyond the surface to the deeper issues of being human. 

About the Author: Custom written by Annalyn P. Posted September 1, 2011

The opinions expressed in the above article are solely those of the author. Dating Directory Review, its parent company and owners are not responsible for the use or application of these suggestions in any manner.