Learning to Apologize

"Love means never having to say you're sorry" is an iconic line from the 1970 film "Love Story" starring Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw. But is this really good advice and does this line hold true today?

If we are new to the dating world or if we are currently involved in a relationship – adapting this principle may not work for use at all. In fact, never saying the two magic words "I'm sorry" may just be the boon that drops that will end an otherwise friendly current or a potential relationship.

Why are these two little words so important? Take the time that we may have unintentionally stepped on a stranger's toes as an example. Our first instinct would be to say "I'm sorry" to this stranger. This is due to the fact that completely by accident, we caused someone actual physical hurt. The stranger may or may not appreciate the fact that we apologized, depending on the person, the amount of pain and the situation – but we will personally feel better knowing that we communicated our totally unintentional action through an apology.

Now, when it comes to a relationship with a loved one – how much hurt do we cause that person, (who by the way is much more connected and closer to our hearts than a perfect stranger whose toe just got smashed), if we do not apologize for the pain that we caused them as a result of a stupid or insensitive action, word or deed?

Whether it is a snappish tone, a sarcastic comment, forgetting something important, or consequences of our selfish actions – these things that caused our loved ones to feel hurt or neglected will require a heartfelt apology from us and the ability to empathize with their hurt and pain – and maybe more than just one apology and quite possibly in more ways than one.

If we’re the type to rarely admit when we’re wrong – if it’s easier to bite our tongue than to say "I'm sorry" – if an apology is rarely heard from our lips, then it will definitely do us tremendous good to learn some humility and to know the difference between a forced apology and a sincere one.

What Not To Say When Apologizing

Somebody said that a hollow apology is worse than no apology at all. How would we feel, when in the middle of an argument, the words "I'm sorry" are thrown at us in an angry, sarcastic or flippant tone?

Or, perhaps we have been on the receiving end of an apology that contains conditions where the apologizing person says something like, “I’m sorry for hurting you, but you should not have made me mad. These types of statements not only water-down the apology, but actually transfer the blame to the other party.

Or how about if the apology is followed with any of the following:

"Now, are you happy?"
"What more do you want?"
"How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?"
"I'm always the one apologizing!"

If we tend to combine our apologies with any of these remarks – our "I'm sorry" could very possibly do more harm than good. It somehow portrays the message to the other person that we just want to get the argument over with, and that is why we are apologizing. Now, that's not being sincere, is it?

The other things that we should all watch out for when making our apologies are the following:

• Saying you're sorry then making an excuse.
• Saying you're sorry then denying the intent.
• And as stated above, saying you're sorry then putting the blame on the other person.

Learning What to Say When Apologizing

Now that we have an idea about the things that we should not say when making an apology that will surely sound insincere – what else is left?

Naturally, we should learn what to say so that our apology will sound heartfelt and sincere. We might be surprised at how much better we feel knowing that whatever hurt we caused to our loved-one will be erased or lessened with a sincere apology. After-all, they are our loved-ones – are they not? Ultimately, it should be ingrained in our psyche to always protect the heart of the one we love. After-all, is that not what we normally attempt to do when our foolish pride is not in the way?

Remember that saying sorry usually takes a lot of effort, especially for a person who places a high regard on his or her pride. However, if we want to heal a relationship – we do need to learn how to swallow our pride and admit we are wrong when we are wrong – and apologize to our loved one for the hurt that we have caused. In an argument, each parties may have played a part in the situation, but we are always responsible for apologizing for the portion of the hurt that we are have caused in our part of the struggle.

Key Points to Help Us Learn to be better at Apologizing

1. Don't deliver our apology with just one sentence.
If we can clearly see that we have upset our loved one – saying "I'm sorry" is not enough. First, we should describe our offense so that our partner knows exactly what it is that we are sorry about and that we are clear as to how we have hurt them.

2. Learn to use empathy in our apology.
This means that we should put ourselves in the other person's shoes. We can say things like “the language I used must have really cut you bad.” When we say out loud the effect of our actions to our partner, they feel immensely comforted with the fact that we understand why they are upset in the first place.

3. We should explain why we did what we did, or said what we said.
More often than not, our partner would feel hurt when we deliberately do something that we know he or she does not approve of. Explaining why we did it anyway is necessary for our partner to understand our actions a little bit better.

4. Lastly, tell our partner that we are willing to change our behavior.
When our partner learns that we are willing to face the consequences of our hurtful actions – there is security and comfort in the knowledge that we did not deliberately set out to hurt them.

A Final Few Words about Apologizing

When we have a bleeding cut, the first thing we do is cover the wound to stop it from bleeding even more. The same thing applies to an argument or a fight in an intimate or casual relationship. It will immediately cover the wound and help prevent it from bleeding additionally. Also, consider apologies as a healing-salve or a rescue-tourniquet. This will bring relationship-saving first-aid and possibly save the relationship.

The minute we realize that our words or actions caused our loved-ones pain – apologize for our part of the situation. If we truly love the person, it shouldn't matter which one of us started the battle or is in the wrong.

A note is needed here – many times a quick apology is not called-for because the other person needs some time prior to even being in a position to accept the apology and they may need more time to express the extent of their hurt prior to being open to an apology. Possibly, a quick apology trivializes the degree of hurt the other person feels – many times that hurting individual wants to let us know how our words or actions have hurt then – minimizing the effects of a quick apology on bringing peace to the situation.

"I'm sorry" may be two simple words – but if it means gaining the forgiveness of our loved one for the pain that we have caused and brings healing to our relationship – then these two simple words should be two of the most important words in the dictionary to us.

Article Custom Written/compiled for Dating Directory Review by Mabelle Sese of The Filipino Worker Company. Updated August 29, 2008

The opinions expressed in the above article are solely those of the author. Dating Directory Review, its parent company and owners are not responsible for the use or application of these suggestions in any manner.